I hope to get some p*nis pics said no woman ever....

I've been on Puddle of Minnows, NoWayCupid, and MisMatch. Still Single. Increasingly Happily. Single.

Moved on to the MeetMe app... no lengthy questionaires, no mega profiles... just pics of who you may or may not really look like, a chat feed, and a ratings gauge. If a very high rating is important to you... or you just want to see if you can get there, use a cleavage pic.

The resulting feeding frenzy will look something like this:

Once you're feeling adequately creeped out, switch to something less cleavy:

 Then watch your numbers drop.

The additional clothing does not, however, modify the QUALITY of the messages you receive. A typical exchange, one where I don't reply, goes something like this:

Day 1
Hi there beautiful/sexy/gorgeous <insert smiley emoticon or flower here>
hello?
Why aren't you talking to me? <insert non smiley emoticon here>
Don't you like my picture? <insert 3 non smiley emoticons here>
hello?
are you there?
Are you talking to someone else?!?!?!
I can see UR online
Are you alone?
Can I come over? Wanna cuddle? I'm very oral.
Do you have kids? and Are your kids asleep?
Fine. Later. Please?
I mean, can I come over later?
HEY!!!

Day 2
Good morning <insert smiley emoticon or flower here>
hello?
You were online at 3am?
Why didn't you invite me over?
Did you think about me?
This is what you're missing <insert penis pic>
Bitch

Day 3
Good morning beautiful....

First thing in the AM and after 10PM are P*nis Twitching Hours... heretofore to be referred to as PTH. We all know what guys are thinking about when they first wake up... but in case you forget, here's a P*nis reminder. It woke up and was pointing in your direction. Well.. a direction. Maybe you're around the corner. BTW, my "greening out" the offending part is probably the  most action it's seen lately. Feeling kinda creepy right now...

Some are "outdoorsy"...

Some are, um, impressive...I'll give credit where credit is due...

When he didn't "get" my reply and asked for my phone number, he had totally struck out

Some are global...

and come with much fanfare...

Crossing language barriers....I laugh everytime I read "Hi" "Dick"..... killin' me, Smalls.

Only to be anticlimactic... courtesy of another random "gentleman" of the day...I sent a pic I'd received as "mine". He sent it to me.. makes it "mine", right?

Google translated his last reply into "Fuck". BTW, the pic he sent was repulsive. Shudder. You can thank me for not including that one later. I did recommend he use someone else's, maybe even "mine", for subsequent attempts to not. get. laid. ever.

BTW, this is one is "mine"...  as in the one I sent to the "Hi" "Dick" guy:

After a few days, all "contacts" will blur into this guy: